Where to begin?

This is actually a very difficult question. And please excuse the rambling that follows...

Looking back I can clearly see (with the help of the diaries I kept) that I was obviously depressed and extremely anxious from about Year 8, and it had serious implications on my day-to-day life by Year 11. I needed some sort of intervention back then, and DEFINITELY by 1st year university, judging by what I wrote and, even scarier, the flipant comments I made and attributed to "But that's just me, I guess."

From my diary during my 1st year of uni...

"...I know how to cope with everything but I simply don't have the energy to do so... I just don't want to be a part of life... The problem is that I can't explain that to anyone - they just don't understand... they continually tell me to 'be brave' and 'don't let things bother you so much' and adopt the attitude that 'nothing really matters that much.' Well, I can't... You can't just brush off this feeling, and you can't not cry and it is extremely hard to stop [crying] once you have started."

And a bit later in that year, the first hint of suicidal thoughts...

"I can feel myself slipping into another negative cycle, and that is the last thing I want. I'm not sure if I can cope with this, but what choice do I have? I'm fighting SO hard to stay positive and my 'old self' - but I'm really not sure if I can stay up there... Sometimes I seriously wonder if it is all worth it. Everything is just going to keep going wrong. What next?"

I still so clearly remember lying for hours upon hours on my bed staring up at the ceiling because moving was just too much effort, and I couldn't see the point in moving anyway. Just lying for hours trying desperately to think of a way to kill myself, but not coming up with a way I would actually have the guts to carry out. Throughout these entries are typical "anxiety dreams" as well, as well as definite paranoid tendancies.

Taken from a letter I wrote to someone, but never sent, trying to explain how I felt...

"I do try as hard as I possibly can to stop the depression, but you cannot imagine how difficult that is and how much focused energy it requires. When I get depressed I have no choice but to sit it out... With depression come feelings of isolation and insecurity... I become scared of everything, and the simplest task brings tears and becomes almost impossible to do. And if I don't straighten myself out soon I'm going to lose it."

Looking back, I either (a) hid things very well or (b) am extremely suprised some one around me didn't cart me off to the doctor or hospital. A few other health issues hit me that year as well, adding to the load that I couldn't cope with, and so adding to the depth of my depression.

Then there was the guilt... As the daughter of a Jewish mother and Catholic father, I have guilt running out of my ears! lol! So, guilt played a big part...

"There is absolutely nothing in my life to warrant getting depressed, so utterly depresseed, over..."

"And the worst part is I can't justify it - it would be easier to cope if I had a reason for it..."

As Elizabeth Wurtzel says in her fabulous, insightful book, Prozac Nation, that is so close to my autobiography it is scary & comforting...

"...I really don't feel like I have a right to feel so miserable."

to be continued...