Lost

I feel blah. Lost. Withdrawn. I don't feel like talking to anyone, but that's not a realistic "want". It actually really bugs my husband and he gets quite annoyed with me when I withdraw and don't talk to him. Sure, I speak to him, but I don't really *talk* to him. I don't know why; I'm just so caught up in my own thoughts that I don't realise I'm not talking to anyone; not *really* talking. But I also don't really know what the thoughts are that are consuming me and are making me this way.

All I know is that I don't want to be around people.

Two weeks until my hysterectomy. I'm now off all my endometriosis/PCOS meds. Maybe somwe combination of those is a factor. Who knows? I sure as hell don't... I do know, however, that being of my gynae meds is not fun. The endo/PCO is coming back and it's hurting. Real, physical pain. I'm throwing various cocktails of period pain meds and pain killers at it without much success. My little TENS machine I use for my ankle pain has turned out to be brilliant for my cramps and lower back pain though! So that's also comforting in that it will probably be handy during my recovery.

In the mean time, I'll try to be talkative and "Grin and bear it."



to be continued...

Finally getting what I want... BUT

I have long suffered from endometriosis and PCOS - both of which added undue stress & anxiety to my depression for many reasons, such as being told at the age of 17 that I could never have children. Who at 17 contemplates that they can't have kids? Of course you can, can't you? Anyway, ever since the endometriosis et al kicked in, shortly after my periods started, I have been begging my doctors for a hysterectomy. I just wanted it all chopped out because the pain was unbearable. You think childbirth was painful? That's absolutely nothing on endo & PCO...

But the story was always the same - you're too young, you might want children, you might want more children (as I managed 2 beautiful daughters) etc. etc. However, my last visit to my gynaecologist resulted in him actually recommending a hysterectomy as the best course of action. He recommended it. Finally, after all these years, I was getting what I had been begging for. And he's taking my tubes and right ovary as well while he's at it. I should have been ecstatic... I should be ecstatic.

I wasn't. It was all suddenly too real. Surreal actually. My big wish is about to come true, and it just seems so surreal. My gyno is fine with it. Hubby is fine with it. My shrink is drafting a letter to the anethetist telling him what's what with my meds so they don't get all stuffed around during the op and post-op. I'm booked in. I am on the theatre list for Monday 12 September.

But it is too surreal. I just don't get my reaction! I feel a bit like a deer caught in the headlights... It's just too weird.

to be continued...