Lost

I feel blah. Lost. Withdrawn. I don't feel like talking to anyone, but that's not a realistic "want". It actually really bugs my husband and he gets quite annoyed with me when I withdraw and don't talk to him. Sure, I speak to him, but I don't really *talk* to him. I don't know why; I'm just so caught up in my own thoughts that I don't realise I'm not talking to anyone; not *really* talking. But I also don't really know what the thoughts are that are consuming me and are making me this way.

All I know is that I don't want to be around people.

Two weeks until my hysterectomy. I'm now off all my endometriosis/PCOS meds. Maybe somwe combination of those is a factor. Who knows? I sure as hell don't... I do know, however, that being of my gynae meds is not fun. The endo/PCO is coming back and it's hurting. Real, physical pain. I'm throwing various cocktails of period pain meds and pain killers at it without much success. My little TENS machine I use for my ankle pain has turned out to be brilliant for my cramps and lower back pain though! So that's also comforting in that it will probably be handy during my recovery.

In the mean time, I'll try to be talkative and "Grin and bear it."



to be continued...

"Primary Progressive Aphasia"

PPA is a form of dementia. My mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with it. I'm not sure how I feel. We have never really gotten along - for the first 3 or so years of my marriage she didn't even speak to me... And then when she did speak to me I kind of wished she'd go back to not talking to me!

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't suprised. She has been "losing it" for about 2 years or so - very obviously over the past few months. Hubby and I thought she had Alzheimer's - so it is good in a way that it is not Alzheimer's, but it is a form of dementia so that's not good no matter how you look at it. It is just an awful disease, not so much for the patient once they are no longer having lucid moments, but for the family who is left around them and being forgotten by them.

My initial reaction to the confirmed diagnosis was "Damn - there goes my babysitter!" Which I guess is rather horrid of me, but I just can't bring myself to like my mother-in-law. She is one of those people that just isn't likeable... She has this way of making you feel stupid no matter what you do or say.

My sister-in-law is a real mess over the whole thing - regretting all the time she & her family haven't spent with her mum. Hubby has no regrets but is still pretty worked up over it all. Father-in-law has gone into limbo, and to make things worse he is really sick too - he is bleeding internally from his intestines somewhere that they haven't been able to locate and he has lost the blood circulation in one of his legs. He is a heavy smoker and drinker, and isn't willing to stop or cut down, so the medicos aren't that interested in giving him another theatre spot to investigate and operate. Personally, I don't blame them.

So, the family is all a bit of a mess and I am just blah. Whatever. I honestly don't give a shit - as long as hubby is OK, and the girls aren't in danger, I'm not fussed. I don't have time to be bothered by in-laws problems, particularly when I don't even like them. I have to concentrate on my heath & fitness, weightloss, pain management etc. leading up to my hysterectomy - I'll be a couch potato for 6+ weeks after it, so I need to be in the best shape I can be, both physically and mentally, by Sept 12.

Bad news there - if I stop taking the pill 4 weeks before surgery (Aug 15) it will reduce the risks of blood clots or something, so obviously I'll stop the pill. Bad news? I'll probably have one more period before it's all chopped out... and going by the few periods I've had in my life, it ain't gonna be pretty! Rather ugly and extremely painful... Not something I'm looking forward to. Fingers crossed that the slight chance my IUD still has enough progesterone in it to keep me from bleeding will be the case.


to be continued...

Finally getting what I want... BUT

I have long suffered from endometriosis and PCOS - both of which added undue stress & anxiety to my depression for many reasons, such as being told at the age of 17 that I could never have children. Who at 17 contemplates that they can't have kids? Of course you can, can't you? Anyway, ever since the endometriosis et al kicked in, shortly after my periods started, I have been begging my doctors for a hysterectomy. I just wanted it all chopped out because the pain was unbearable. You think childbirth was painful? That's absolutely nothing on endo & PCO...

But the story was always the same - you're too young, you might want children, you might want more children (as I managed 2 beautiful daughters) etc. etc. However, my last visit to my gynaecologist resulted in him actually recommending a hysterectomy as the best course of action. He recommended it. Finally, after all these years, I was getting what I had been begging for. And he's taking my tubes and right ovary as well while he's at it. I should have been ecstatic... I should be ecstatic.

I wasn't. It was all suddenly too real. Surreal actually. My big wish is about to come true, and it just seems so surreal. My gyno is fine with it. Hubby is fine with it. My shrink is drafting a letter to the anethetist telling him what's what with my meds so they don't get all stuffed around during the op and post-op. I'm booked in. I am on the theatre list for Monday 12 September.

But it is too surreal. I just don't get my reaction! I feel a bit like a deer caught in the headlights... It's just too weird.

to be continued...