Lost

I feel blah. Lost. Withdrawn. I don't feel like talking to anyone, but that's not a realistic "want". It actually really bugs my husband and he gets quite annoyed with me when I withdraw and don't talk to him. Sure, I speak to him, but I don't really *talk* to him. I don't know why; I'm just so caught up in my own thoughts that I don't realise I'm not talking to anyone; not *really* talking. But I also don't really know what the thoughts are that are consuming me and are making me this way.

All I know is that I don't want to be around people.

Two weeks until my hysterectomy. I'm now off all my endometriosis/PCOS meds. Maybe somwe combination of those is a factor. Who knows? I sure as hell don't... I do know, however, that being of my gynae meds is not fun. The endo/PCO is coming back and it's hurting. Real, physical pain. I'm throwing various cocktails of period pain meds and pain killers at it without much success. My little TENS machine I use for my ankle pain has turned out to be brilliant for my cramps and lower back pain though! So that's also comforting in that it will probably be handy during my recovery.

In the mean time, I'll try to be talkative and "Grin and bear it."



to be continued...

Wordless Wednesday... Too many pills

join in Wordless Wednesday here

to be continued...

I forgot about PMS...

I'm miserable, I'm grumpy, I'm pissed off... Yep - it's PMS and I had forgotten how bad I got PMS. If you haven't guessed, I've stopped taking the pill because my surgery is only 4 weeks away. I'm in a mood, so all I'm going to post is...

to be continued...

"Primary Progressive Aphasia"

PPA is a form of dementia. My mother-in-law has just been diagnosed with it. I'm not sure how I feel. We have never really gotten along - for the first 3 or so years of my marriage she didn't even speak to me... And then when she did speak to me I kind of wished she'd go back to not talking to me!

To be perfectly honest, I wasn't suprised. She has been "losing it" for about 2 years or so - very obviously over the past few months. Hubby and I thought she had Alzheimer's - so it is good in a way that it is not Alzheimer's, but it is a form of dementia so that's not good no matter how you look at it. It is just an awful disease, not so much for the patient once they are no longer having lucid moments, but for the family who is left around them and being forgotten by them.

My initial reaction to the confirmed diagnosis was "Damn - there goes my babysitter!" Which I guess is rather horrid of me, but I just can't bring myself to like my mother-in-law. She is one of those people that just isn't likeable... She has this way of making you feel stupid no matter what you do or say.

My sister-in-law is a real mess over the whole thing - regretting all the time she & her family haven't spent with her mum. Hubby has no regrets but is still pretty worked up over it all. Father-in-law has gone into limbo, and to make things worse he is really sick too - he is bleeding internally from his intestines somewhere that they haven't been able to locate and he has lost the blood circulation in one of his legs. He is a heavy smoker and drinker, and isn't willing to stop or cut down, so the medicos aren't that interested in giving him another theatre spot to investigate and operate. Personally, I don't blame them.

So, the family is all a bit of a mess and I am just blah. Whatever. I honestly don't give a shit - as long as hubby is OK, and the girls aren't in danger, I'm not fussed. I don't have time to be bothered by in-laws problems, particularly when I don't even like them. I have to concentrate on my heath & fitness, weightloss, pain management etc. leading up to my hysterectomy - I'll be a couch potato for 6+ weeks after it, so I need to be in the best shape I can be, both physically and mentally, by Sept 12.

Bad news there - if I stop taking the pill 4 weeks before surgery (Aug 15) it will reduce the risks of blood clots or something, so obviously I'll stop the pill. Bad news? I'll probably have one more period before it's all chopped out... and going by the few periods I've had in my life, it ain't gonna be pretty! Rather ugly and extremely painful... Not something I'm looking forward to. Fingers crossed that the slight chance my IUD still has enough progesterone in it to keep me from bleeding will be the case.


to be continued...

The Reality Hits

The reality of my hysterectomy came thundering down today when I received the hospital paperwork. There it all was in black and white.

"You have been booked in for a Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy, removal of tubes and right ovary, treatment of endometriosis, Cystoscopy."

No more surrealism - it's most definitely real. Still a weird feeling but my brain seems to be coming around to the facts of the matter. All my child-bearing bits are being cut out in just over 5 weeks leaving only my left ovary all on its lonesome to handle all my hormonal-needs until I hit menopause (and that is a completely different chapter that I will cross when I get to it in about 20+ years...)

I guess the psychological impact that my gynaecologist had warned me about and my psychiatrist further added to - both of which I dismissed out of hand - is actually having an impact on me. So strange since I don't want any more kids and don't feel like having my uterus and associated bits removed will in anyway diminish my femininity. Guess I am subconciously grieving for what I have not yet lost.

It is sort of comparable to my first miscarriage. I had 3 miscarriages before having Abigail, and another 2 miscarriages before having Leah. Total: 7 pregnancies but only 2 live births. My first miscarriage, however, was the worst. The combination of my first pregnancy (after almost 6 years of trying) and things going so well, that when the routine ultrasound at 18 weeks showed no heartbeat we were shattered.

I point-blank refused to let anyone except my fertility specialist touch me, and he wasn't available until Monday, so Hubby and I had to endure a weekend from hell knowing I was carrying a dead fetus... Come Monday I thought I had come to terms with things best I could, but when I woke up from the D&C I just lost it completely - the grief I felt was completely overwhelming. And to top it off, Hubby wasn't there because he was coping in his own way, and that included being as far away from hospital as possible.

If my feelings of depression, blah, lonliness etc. at the moment are a response to my hysterectomy, then I wonder what I will face after it is actually done... But all of this doesn't mean that I don't want it to go ahead.


to be continued...

A Word About My Profile Pic

I thought I'd just quickly explain why I chose a refection in a shattered mirror to be my profile pic. Essentially, I chose it because that's how I feel. Depression has completely and utterly shattered me; broken me down; broken me into little pieces. Forever damaged my life, relationships, the way I look at things... I feel like the doctors have simply picked up the pieces and put them back together. Hence the shattered mirror. I might be all in one piece and doing OK most of the time, but there will always be the scars. There will always be the cracks. I will never be the same "me" again.


to be continued...