"You have been booked in for a Total Laparoscopic Hysterectomy, removal of tubes and right ovary, treatment of endometriosis, Cystoscopy."No more surrealism - it's most definitely real. Still a weird feeling but my brain seems to be coming around to the facts of the matter. All my child-bearing bits are being cut out in just over 5 weeks leaving only my left ovary all on its lonesome to handle all my hormonal-needs until I hit menopause (and that is a completely different chapter that I will cross when I get to it in about 20+ years...)
I guess the psychological impact that my gynaecologist had warned me about and my psychiatrist further added to - both of which I dismissed out of hand - is actually having an impact on me. So strange since I don't want any more kids and don't feel like having my uterus and associated bits removed will in anyway diminish my femininity. Guess I am subconciously grieving for what I have not yet lost.
It is sort of comparable to my first miscarriage. I had 3 miscarriages before having Abigail, and another 2 miscarriages before having Leah. Total: 7 pregnancies but only 2 live births. My first miscarriage, however, was the worst. The combination of my first pregnancy (after almost 6 years of trying) and things going so well, that when the routine ultrasound at 18 weeks showed no heartbeat we were shattered.
I point-blank refused to let anyone except my fertility specialist touch me, and he wasn't available until Monday, so Hubby and I had to endure a weekend from hell knowing I was carrying a dead fetus... Come Monday I thought I had come to terms with things best I could, but when I woke up from the D&C I just lost it completely - the grief I felt was completely overwhelming. And to top it off, Hubby wasn't there because he was coping in his own way, and that included being as far away from hospital as possible.
If my feelings of depression, blah, lonliness etc. at the moment are a response to my hysterectomy, then I wonder what I will face after it is actually done... But all of this doesn't mean that I don't want it to go ahead.
to be continued...
I think the main thing for you is to hold on to that last thought. It is what you want. It is going to be incredibly hard - but then you've faced incredibly hard before.
ReplyDeleteTake a deep breath and remind yourself of your truth - you do want it to go ahead.