Today sucks.

I am really struggling today. I feel so blah... just miserable and down. And I don't know why. That is the most infuriating thing - not knowing what is wrong.

A few quotes from Elizabeth Wurtzel's book, Prozac Nation, will help me explain how I feel...

"I start to feel like I can't maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong."

"I have this palpable, absolute sense that I'm cracking up, that there's really no good reason why, and that - even worse - there's nothing I can do about it."

"And the scariest part is that if you ask anyone in the throes of depression how he got there, to pin down the turning point, he'll never know. 'Gradually and then suddenly'."

"I'd explain that nothing at all was wrong, that it was just a matter of everything."

And it is so frustrating that people around me, even knowing and having been alongside me, still don't understand what all of this really feels like. The only person that understood was my grandmother, who passed away 3 years ago. She was bipolar and that was what ultimately resulted in her death.

As Elizabeth Wurtzel says..

"...plenty of people prefer to think that until you are actually flying out of a window, you don't have a problem."

to be continued...